Remeber how I set out that beautiful schedule? All those plans about getting back on track? Yeah. Me too. And then it didn’t happen.

Things are getting a little bit better though. Starting with one small good habit at a time. First I got vitamins and started taking them everyday. Did that for a week and then I started making sure I was brushing my teeth twice a day( I was averaging like.. 1.5). After that, I started a skincare routine- I have stuff I do for my face in the morning and evening (and it is more than just washing my face and putting lotion on). Next I started waking up before 9 AM consistently. This might not sound like much, but when I was staying up till 4AM it was hard to motivate to get out of bed before 11AM…So now I am on a before 1AM to before 9AM schedule.

Now I have kicked things up a notch to counting calories again. I did this for months at one point I was really good at it. But then travel happened. And the holidays. And more travel. And then covid. So.. I got to the heaviest I’ve ever been, panicked, and now here we are at 1200 calories a day to offset all that stress/innefectual comfort food eating I did. Needless to say, my baking list has not changed since my last post.

I got my pole set up ( I think I said that last time maybe?) So I have that now. And my Flex classes. Trying to start running again. Still go biking occasionally.

…still hate everything.

Sorry I totally like.. whiffed writing for a month. Things got busy with the foundation’s first virtual event. I think that went as well as it could have. People seemed surprised it went as well as it did…but I miss my humans. I miss the connection of seeing them and drinking with them and playing games with them. Maybe in October, but probably not.

-Kendall

These days I spend all week looking forward to the weekend. But then I get to the weekend.. And then I spend all weekend looking forward to the next week. And the cycle goes on and on and on and on and on and on and I really fucking hate it.

I still have little to no motivation. I havent worked out in our home (garage) gym in over a week. I only went on one bike ride last week. I did go for a run for the first time in like.. two months which was partially because I am like 98% certain I broke my foot at the end of Feb/start of March. The run went suprisingly well, but then my foot started hurting again.. so I guess it will be another week or two before I should try to run again. The only real physical activity I do consistently is my active flexibility classes (Hi Tiffany!). They are also the only real structure or consistent like.. routine I have (I have no routine besides doing those classes twice a week).

I think having an actual routine might help..but again, no motivation. Maybe if I write down some rough routine here I could stick to it. Can’t hurt to give it a try right?

8 AM Wake Up 9 AM Breakfast & Tea & Work 11 AM Work out (except not active flex days), Shower, & Lunch 12:30 PM Work 3 PM Walk (weather permitting of course) 4 PM Work

That would be so much better than my current lack of routine. Any sort of consistency would be spectacular. I dunno. We’ll see. I can’t really get any worse I guess.

Was thinking about maybe setting like.. one or two small goals for the day and seeing if that helps with motivation? I dunno. That might be something to hold off on till I actually get a routine down. Don’t want to set too many expectations and then disappoint myself when I do none of them.. which is definitely a pattern of the last few weeks. I want to accomplish some thing, I don’t do it or fail to meet that expectation and then I get upset with myself and sink a little lower mentally than I was at before and also have a little less willingness to set a goal and a little less willpower to do the thing.

Things I have baked to help abate the general anxiety:

• Lemon & Raspberry Bundt with a Raspberry Glaze (vegan)
• Chai Scones with a Cinnamon Glaze (vegan)
• Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies
• Crumpets (accidentally vegan)
• Sourdough Bread Loaf (thanks for the starter Rosie!) x2
• Sourdough Cheese Crackers
• Sourdough Pretzels
• Apple Crisp
• Sourdough Waffles
• Tunnel of Fudge Cake
• Sourdough Cardamom Cinnamon Rolls

Things on my list to bake:

• Brittany Butter Cake
• Cupcakes of some sort
• Lemon Blueberry Cake (bought the stuff to do it and then lost motivation)
• English Muffins
• Chocolate Souffle
• Triple Berry Pie

Still need to do something with the discard after I feed the starter this week (normally its a Sunday project, but.. you guessed it, no motivation).

I kinda wonder if anyone actually reads this. I can only think of maybe four people that I sent the website to ever. I kinda feel like I am just talking to an empty room and I probably am. Which is fine I guess. I just wondered.

-Kendall

P.S. Sorry about no post last week. I thought about it a few times, but never actually got down to doing it and as you may have guessed, disappointed myself for breaking the lovely weekly cadence I was building. Maybe this is me getting back on track?

Getting anything done this week has been ridiculously hard. I don’t know what is so different from last week..but its harder.

I feel a bit like I am stuck in limbo, which is probably true of many people. Not just me. I feel like I am just.. waiting.. indefinitely.

I keep wanting to be productive if not at work than doing something physically active- going for a run or bike ride or using the home gym- but I can’t bring myself to do that even. I have no idea what changed.

I keep half planning trips and stopping because who knows when it will actually happen?

I keep being like, ‘maybe I will do X this weekend…oh.. wait..I should stay home.’ Its been over a month now and we have AT LEAST three more weeks…till they extend the stay at home order again.

I really want to hope that by June I can go on a trip somewhere..but I kinda worry it will be July or August by the time I can go somewhere more than like.. 5 miles away.. and not in a car..

I used to feel like I lived in airports. I didn’t hate it, but man did I take that for granted. I would KILL to have a reason to need to go and be in the airport. I don’t even care about the destination. I just want to be going somewhere.

Things I have baked to help abate the general anxiety:

• Lemon & Raspberry Bundt with a Raspberry Glaze (vegan)
• Chai Scones with a Cinnamon Glaze (vegan)
• Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies
• Crumpets (accidentally vegan)
• Sourdough Bread Loaf (thanks for the starter Rosie!)
• Sourdough Cheese Crackers
• Sourdough Pretzels
• Apple Crisp
• Sourdough Waffles
• Tunnel of Fudge Cake

Things on my list to bake:

• Brittany Butter Cake
• Cupcakes of some sort
• Lemon Blueberry Cake
• English Muffins
• Chocolate Souffle
• Triple Berry Pie
• Cardamom Cinnamon Rolls

Also I just spent almost $100 on baking mixes from a couple different places.. Because you know.. I’m not baking enough as it is.

-Kendall

P.S. Microwave Update: Fuse didn’t work either so we said fuck it and and bought a different new microwave, one that had the vent and light stuff it needs for being mounted above the range. Taking down the old one and putting up the new one was quite the adventure but we now have that all done and the ‘temporary’ microwave we had on the counter is now living in the garage until we need it again.

In general I feel like I am saving money by being home. I don’t go out to eat (we do takeout on $food_delivery_service on occasion now). I don’t work from coffeeshops. I don’t drive as much so there’s less gas to pay for.

But then I bought a $900 bike & various accoutrements.

My OTF membership has been put on hold along with the soccer season and so I don’t have to pay for either of those.

Then I bought a pole for $400 and had to cancel a trip to London and couldn’t get all of what I pre-paid for accomodations back. So that was like.. another $600 out the door.

I wonder if I will actually end up with more or less money by the end of this.

Things I have baked to help abate the general anxiety:

• Lemon & Raspberry Bundt with a Raspberry Glaze (vegan)
• Chai Scones with a Cinnamon Glaze (vegan)
• Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies
• Crumpets (accidentally vegan)
• Sourdough Bread Loaf (thanks for the starter Rosie!)
• Sourdough Cheese Crackers
• Sourdough Pretzels
• Apple Crisp

Things on my list to bake:

• Brittany Butter Cake
• Cupcakes of some sort
• Lemon Blueberry Cake
• English Muffins
• Chocolate Souffle
• Triple Berry Pie
• Cardamom Cinnamon Rolls

They’ve exteded the stay at home order till May. Sooo..more baking.

-Kendall

P.S. Those microwave parts we were waiting on showed up finally. We put replaced the old parts in the microwave and it didn’t work. Did some voltmeter testing and have concluded that a fuse is blown. Whether that was the original issue or not remains to be seen, but we are now waiting on a fuse..

So this will basically be week 3 of the advised shelter in place and week 2 of the actual shelter in place ordinace.

We’ve slowly put a gym together. I bought a bike and have gone for a few rides. Thats definitely all helped but its not the same. I miss OrangeTheory. I miss my pole classes. I miss my soccer team.

The weather has sucked. IT HAILED TODAY. HAIL. How am I supposed to walk or bike outside to retain what’s left of my sanity if its HAILING?

I really really wish we were getting into summer already so we could have some more consistent sun. Any time there is sun EVERYONE goes out which is totally understandable even though we arent supposed to.. I do and I definitely don’t judge anyone that does. I do my best to keep my distance from people when I go out, but not everyone does.

I wish people could just wash their hands and cover their mouths and follow the stupid rules so we can flatten the stupid curve and go back to normal.. but I realize that things may not ever actually go back to how they were before and that though scares the absolute shit out of me.

More than another month of this scares the absolute shit out of me.

I had a trip planned to go to London at the end of April.. I am guessing that will need to get cancelled.

I wanted to buy a pole for more indoor things to do but they are out of stock on one of the pieces I need :’(

Thankfully I do have two flexibility classes a week.. and our little gym in the garage.. and the bike. I know thats more than a lot of people have and I am thankful.

Still very scared though.

Things I have baked to help abate the general anxiety:

• Lemon & Raspberry Bundt with a Raspberry Glaze (vegan)
• Chai Scones with a Cinnamon Glaze (vegan)
• Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies
• Crumpets (accidentally vegan)
• Sourdough Bread Loaf (thanks for the starter Rosie!)

…if the weather doesn’t get better soon I am going to get so fat.

Things on my list to bake:

• Brittany Butter Cake
• Cupcakes of some sort or another
• Lemon Blueberry Cake
• Crackers
• English Muffins
• Chocolate Souffle
• Apple Crisp
• Triple Berry Pie

We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

-Kendall

P.S. Bought a microwave a few days ago and the parts for the old one still, very surprisingly, have not shown up. We can now reheat things without pots now though so thats nice. I AM SO THANKFUL TO NOT HAVE TO ENDLESSLY WASH THE SAME TWO POTS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.